part the third... now in Spanish!

(Originally published 28 Feb 2007)

I'm sorry it's been two weeks since I've posted. But never fear, Current Status of Male Population: Still Skeezy. I have a few pages of my notebook filled with hilarious stories that I just can't wait to share in the next few installments.

This entry will obviously not be written in Spanish. But it will deal with a couple choice incidents during my mini-vacation weekend in Madrid.

Aqui los tienen...

Who: Spanish furry
Pick-up method: SF is a short, Spanish man who uses a Mickey Mouse costume and balloon animal "skills" to talk to fine ladies. He called to us as we entered El Parque del Buen Retiro. I immediately thought "Amazing! Guy in a costume- hilarious. I am so going to take a picture with him!" and went over. He was very touchy, told me I was pretty, asked all the usual get-to-know-you questions, etc etc. SF wasn't too happy when I left him, and definitely wasn't happy about the fact that my friends wouldn't go within 5 meters of him.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: We'll leave your height out of this because that's just too easy. We'll also forget about the fact that your need to wear a mask makes me wonder what your real face looks like. Moving on... While kinky can be fun, I've never been into the whole furvert movement. I have no desire to dress in some random animal costume in order to hook up with someone also dressed as such. Not only would this be disturbing, I imagine it would be quite uncomfortable. Those suits don't generally have very good ventilation. Further, I have a sneaking suspicion that your phallic balloon animals are compensating for something. And while a random hook-up in Spain could provide a fun story, if you have no ability to make me call you "papi," then the story just wouldn't be as good.

Who: Smiling Sweetness
Pick-up method: Here we have another "Little boy flirts with me" situation. SS was about two years old and was sitting with his family at the table next to me. Everytime I looked over he was staring at me with the biggest, most adorable smile on his face. SS would then laugh and turn to his dad, who commented about how his son was learning early. (I'm father-approved? Yes!)
Why I won't be sleeping with you: Please refer to the reasons stated in the report on ALFB. Additionally, however, let me state that I have unfortunately had more than my fair share of immature guys... and they are in their twenties! And while dating even younger might at first seem like "a plan so crazy it just might work," upon further thought I really think that, as a two year old, a relationship with you would be quite one-sided. It would be all about your needs. "I need a snack!" "I need a nap!" "I want to cuddle!" "me me me me me!" And while I respect that this is just where you are at this point in your life, I'm looking for something a bit more give-and-take. I'm sorry, I just can't be the person you need.


Pues, those are the most salient memories. Of course there were many more 'minor' attempts, but I won't dignify those men with mention in my blog. But let me just say, "Do you speak ____?" is NOT a suitable pick-up line. Be more creative. Thanks.