French Kissing

(The very first post. 6 Feb 2007)

Many of you have commented on the general hilarity of my life when it comes to the opposite sex. This trend continues even though I find myself in a country where I know how to say "confrontation," "stabbed," and "Welcome to the beach," but not "No, I would not like to have random, unprotected sex with you, but thank you for asking." As I am a giver, I've decided to post a series called "French kissing," of which this will be the first entry. The purpose of this mini-series is to document the many entertaining pick-up methods I experience first-hand while on the Continent. Each "attempt" will be logged in the following format:

Who: Nickname or description of the Subject
Pick-up method: Here I will describe how the Subject attempted to touch me, chat me up, take me home, or merely make an impression.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: Here I will list the many reasons the Subject failed.

This is in no way meant to convey a message such as, "Look at me, I'm so great, everyone tries to hit on me!" This will become apparent as you discover the caliber of the people who try to get in my bed (should that be their location of choice). I just think that while we all focus on the comedy of errors that is dating (and believe me, I've had my fair share... and probably your fair share as well), many times the absolute amusment of a horrible pick-up attempt merely gets passing attention during a quick laugh over lunch. This needs to be remedied.


Here we go:

Who: Round-headed Persistence
Pick-up Method: RHP approached me one evening before Christmas as I was heading home. He was walking behind me, caught up, and then began walking beside me. I gave him my best "Don't you dare talk to me, you freak" look, which usually serves me well. But he kept on. He asked me, in French, where I was going. I told him I didn't speak French, hoping my tone of voice and rejection of his language would make him move on to another. No such luck. He proceeded, in broken English, to ask where I lived. I refused to tell him. He asked if I would like to go home with him. I said no. He asked if he could come to my home. I said no. He asked if he could merely walk me home. I said no. He asked if he could come to my home, again. I said no. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: Aside from the obvious creepiness of you lurking on the street and following me... you aimed too high. I just met you, for Zeus' sake! Invite me for a drink or something. Feign normalcy. At least attempt to make an honest woman of me. Although if you HAD asked something less than your proposed slumber party, I would have said 'no' anyway, given aforementioned creepy factor. So I guess it doesn't matter. Well done.

Who: Adorable Little French Boy
Pick-up Method: ALFB smiled and waved at me as he was walking home from school while I was standing at the bus stop. As he walked away, he frequently looked back and smiled at me. He then waved at me as he turned the corner. So cute.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: While I am flattered you have a crush on me, I am concerned what society would say about our love. Don't get me wrong... you're cute, you're sweet, and you're educated (as evidenced by your school books). These are all things I look for in a man. Keyword here is "man." I'm sorry, but you just haven't gone through puberty yet... and that's not working for me. However, in 15 years if you find yourself into older women, call me. You'll probably be hot... AND French.

Who: The Enthusiastic Staring Wonder
Pick-up Method: The ESW was across a narrow street from me as I was waiting at the bus stop. As he approached he grinned at me... His grin grew as he got closer, and he began repeatedly raising his eyebrows. As he walked past he stared at me with a gigantic smile on his face. Since he was looking at me, and not where he was going, he nearly killed an old lady by almost walking straight into her (good thing she had superb reflexes in her old age).
Why I won't be sleeping with you: Firstly, you never attempted contact. You can't hit a homerun if you stand NEAR the plate but not in the batter's box. I am sure you think you have a huge penis, but I guarantee you that it wouldn't reach across the street. More importantly, however, I don't fancy sleeping with someone who could have been charged with attempted murder. Learn to walk. Oh, also... you had an ugly smile.


Right, that's all for now. I hope you're all as excited for the next attempts as I am! I'm about to go to the grocery store... and who knows what will be waiting for me in the produce section...