Seven... not always lucky

For this entry I will take you on a journey to the time just before I came to France. Searching for a flat is always frustrating, but it’s much worse when a- you aren’t even near the city in which you’re flat hunting and b- you don’t really speak the language in which you’re flat hunting. Luckily, the Internet is full of strange and randy characters. Thank you, Internet Freaks, for providing me with some much needed levity during such a stressful time.

Who: Flame Retardant
Pick-up method: I received an email from a man in his late thirties (FR) describing a room he had available during the time I’d be in France. He seemed normal enough until I read the following words: “J’aime les femmes americaines” (trans. “I like American girls”). I rolled my eyes and moved my cursor toward “delete,” but, before I clicked, I noticed that FR had attached two items. Being the knowledge seeker that I am, I checked them out. One was a link to his website, which was full of video clips of amateur glamour photo shoots (he was the photographer, not the subject). The other was a photograph of him. In a fireman’s outfit.
Why I won’t be sleeping with you: I don’t think you’re actually a fireman. At least, you’re definitely not a respectable one. Respectable firemen do not take “I’m sensitive and deep” –type photos in their gear. So either you’re a fireman no one respects (which means I will not sleep with you), or you acquired that outfit for another purpose. I think it’s likely that you were auditioning for a low-budget, American-inspired, French porno flick, from which you were swiftly rejected. In order to save face, you send the photograph to young women in hopes that you will receive compliments and thereby justify your self-image as a sexual stallion. I’m sorry, but if you were to burst through my front door and dramatically ask, “Where’s the fire?” my response would not be “In my pants.”

Who: All Forms of Payment
Pick-up method: The email I received from AFP included no information about himself or his flat. He simply wrote, “I have a room for you, in other words I want to sleep with you.”
Why I won’t be sleeping with you: I thank you for being upfront about your preferred method of payment, but I don’t remember saying, “Willing to pay in kind rather than in euros. Ask me how!” in my ad. And while everyone agrees there is an element of fun in getting things for free as a result of flirting or other types of adult relations, when that situation is a pre-arranged expectation all the fun is removed. Instead, the recipient of the free goods and/or services is left with a monotonous chore (yes, I am saying that sex with you would be monotonous… you are, after all, having to offer free accommodation in order to get laid. You must not have many girls coming back for more). Who needs that? Not me. I have a grant that is paying for my stay in France and, last time I checked, they don’t reimburse for the STI treatments and loss of dignity that would result from such an arrangement.