Another week, another entry. Will the madness never end? Unlikely.
Who: No Vacancy
Pick-up method: Before coming to France, I posted a profile on a couple accommodation search websites in order to find roommates or a flat of my own. Profiles of this type include a few personal details and a photo. Many weeks after I arrived in France I received an email from NV saying that he did not have any accommodation to offer me, but was driven to write to me because my chest is magnificent. He went on to say that since I study primates, he’d like for me to know that he is an animal somewhere in between a gorilla and a chimpanzee. NV continued to email me for a few days, telling me how he badly needed to see more photos of me, and how he’s committed the ones he has seen to memory. His last email included a photo of a kitten and a simple “Have a good afternoon.”
Why I won’t be sleeping with you: If your claim of being somewhere between a gorilla and a chimpanzee is correct, I can only assume that you have a very large scrotum and a very short penis. This doesn’t seem like it would be a pleasurable combination, and I’d prefer not to waste time confirming my assumption. Further, the fact that you have likely masturbated to my photo takes a lot of the fun out of having an actual sexual encounter with you. You’ve practically been there and done that, you know? You’ve probably got expectations of my bedroom behaviour, fantasies you’ve played out in your head, and a host of other scenarios that I have no interest in fulfilling. Most importantly, however, you’re just creepy. Picture of a kitten? Seriously?!
Note: Using my social network website search skills, I was able to find an actual photo of this man. He is in his mid-forties, has questionable oral hygiene, and his only MySpace friend is Tom.
Who: The Paddle
Pick-up method: As so many of my stories begin… I was on the bus. Opposite me was a couple engaged in jovial conversation. I could tell it was jovial because the girlfriend was sitting on her boyfriend’s (TP) lap, laughing at his jokes, and was totally okay with the fact that he was slapping her behind at regular intervals of about 3 seconds. TP turned his head to me and smiled. He maintained this attentional state for about one minute, during which he raised his eyebrows at me every time his hand met his girlfriend’s faux designer jeans.
Why I won’t be sleeping with you: I’m not really sure what you were trying to communicate to me in this situation. Was it that you are an outgoing guy who loves public displays of affection? Or maybe that you are the type who loves high-risk-of-discovery sex? Or was it that you are a man who has limited mental capacity and thereby cannot devise a more creative way in which to show your woman you always want her? Were you giving me a preview of all the spanking to which I can look forward if I were to reciprocate your flirtatious glances? Or perhaps just that you are a horrible person willing to flirt with other women while your girlfriend is present? Too many possibilities. I may be a bit of a risk-taker, but I don’t like those odds. Oh, also, you have a girlfriend.
No comments:
Post a Comment