Who: Careless Whisperer
Pick-up method: It started out as an ordinary club encounter: CW asked me to dance, I was drunk and obliged, thanked him, and went on my way. When leaving the club at the end of the night, however, CW ran after us for some drunken chat. As his friend created a sociable diversion, CW took the opportunity to whisper less-than-sweet nothings in my ear. Nothings that would have been considered compliments if I were a two-euro prostitute with abnormal self-esteem issues thanks to a mother who taught me sex gets you love.
Why I won’t be sleeping with you: As if your Friday night drunken chat (including telling me you prefer to think of me as a 16 year old girl instead of a young woman aged 24) wasn’t enough, you decided to try again while sober on Monday evening. Now I am no expert on social etiquette, but I don’t think it’s normal for someone to run out of a café (abandoning one's friend inside) on a Monday evening to chase after a girl he had drunkenly met on Friday night who happened to be walking down the street outside with a male friend. Nor is it normal for one to then attempt to zip up her jacket, telling her it’s cold outside. Nor is it appropriate to tell her more ‘less-than-sweet nothings’ out loud in front of her male friend and any passers-by who care to listen. I prefer a certain level of decorum in my partners. This level is not called “Complete absence of respectability.”
Who: Undercover Lover
Pick-up method: Upon entering the grocery store I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see UL, who explained to me that he was a security guard (this grocery store employs plainclothes security personnel to monitor shoppers). Thinking he was going to ask me to open my bag, I didn’t walk away. He proceeded to introduce himself to me, ask if I was from Spain, and tell me he’d been watching me the past few weeks. I thought I was in trouble for something until UL told me to give him my phone number because he got off work at 6pm.
Why I won’t be sleeping with you: While I do respect your having introduced yourself first, I find the whole “I’m a security guard and I’ve been watching you” situation slightly disconcerting. You mean to tell me you’ve been staring at me while I compare yoghurts every week and this somehow has instilled some deep desire to take me out? Not only that, but a desire so strong that you had no intention of taking me out later in the week, but instead in less than three hours from the time of asking me? You’ve seen how long it takes me be okay with my yoghurt, how do you expect me to be okay with the idea of a date with you after a two minute conversation about how I’m not from Spain and don’t speak French very well (a fact you seemed to be fine with even though, combined with your lack of English skills, it led to some communication issues)? Next time don’t use your position of authority to trick girls into talking with you, only to tell the object of your affection that you’re essentially a stalker-on-salary.
1 comment:
As a fellow American twenty-something woman living in France, I can appreciate your plight. Thanks for sharing your stories. As I read them, I really was laughing out loud! Keep up the great work. :)
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