Seven... not always lucky

For this entry I will take you on a journey to the time just before I came to France. Searching for a flat is always frustrating, but it’s much worse when a- you aren’t even near the city in which you’re flat hunting and b- you don’t really speak the language in which you’re flat hunting. Luckily, the Internet is full of strange and randy characters. Thank you, Internet Freaks, for providing me with some much needed levity during such a stressful time.

Who: Flame Retardant
Pick-up method: I received an email from a man in his late thirties (FR) describing a room he had available during the time I’d be in France. He seemed normal enough until I read the following words: “J’aime les femmes americaines” (trans. “I like American girls”). I rolled my eyes and moved my cursor toward “delete,” but, before I clicked, I noticed that FR had attached two items. Being the knowledge seeker that I am, I checked them out. One was a link to his website, which was full of video clips of amateur glamour photo shoots (he was the photographer, not the subject). The other was a photograph of him. In a fireman’s outfit.
Why I won’t be sleeping with you: I don’t think you’re actually a fireman. At least, you’re definitely not a respectable one. Respectable firemen do not take “I’m sensitive and deep” –type photos in their gear. So either you’re a fireman no one respects (which means I will not sleep with you), or you acquired that outfit for another purpose. I think it’s likely that you were auditioning for a low-budget, American-inspired, French porno flick, from which you were swiftly rejected. In order to save face, you send the photograph to young women in hopes that you will receive compliments and thereby justify your self-image as a sexual stallion. I’m sorry, but if you were to burst through my front door and dramatically ask, “Where’s the fire?” my response would not be “In my pants.”

Who: All Forms of Payment
Pick-up method: The email I received from AFP included no information about himself or his flat. He simply wrote, “I have a room for you, in other words I want to sleep with you.”
Why I won’t be sleeping with you: I thank you for being upfront about your preferred method of payment, but I don’t remember saying, “Willing to pay in kind rather than in euros. Ask me how!” in my ad. And while everyone agrees there is an element of fun in getting things for free as a result of flirting or other types of adult relations, when that situation is a pre-arranged expectation all the fun is removed. Instead, the recipient of the free goods and/or services is left with a monotonous chore (yes, I am saying that sex with you would be monotonous… you are, after all, having to offer free accommodation in order to get laid. You must not have many girls coming back for more). Who needs that? Not me. I have a grant that is paying for my stay in France and, last time I checked, they don’t reimburse for the STI treatments and loss of dignity that would result from such an arrangement.

Six, six... it's the same word!

It's only been three days since my last entry, and already I have enough material for two more (will keep some on reserve should the population of France suddenly and tragically lose its sex drive). If only other aspects of my life were half as productive and eventful...

Who: Dog Whistle
Pick-up method: I was taking a morning stroll (read: heading to the boulangerie) and encountered an older man (DW) walking his dog. As I got closer he smiled, so I said "bonjour," as is typically done. Then DW whistled at me. He didn't use the cliche, demeaning, "you're so sexy" -type whistle. Instead he whistled at me as if whistling to his dog to come inside the house for dinner. DW accompanied this whistle with a gentle pat on his knee and another smile.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: As a primatologist perhaps I have lost touch with the intricacies of folk taxonomy, but I’m pretty sure that before I became the scientist I am today I knew the difference between a canine and a human (and was very aware of this difference when using words like “bitch," “dog," and "Sparky" in a figurative and insulting fashion). While I admire your bold approach, I am most turned on when a potential partner recognises and appreciates at least the Order to which I belong in the animal kingdom.

Who: Thirsty Artist
Pick-up method: During another morning stroll (perhaps the key to keeping this blog going is making frequent trips to acquire baguettes) I happened upon two young men moving some paintings from their apartment to their car. One of them (TA) was holding a half-empty bottle of beer and not navigating his environment with what I'd call "grace" (please note that this occurred at 9:30am on a Sunday). TA looked at me briefly then went back to his task. When I got closer, he looked again. TA then raised his eyebrows, smiled, and said "Good morning." I smiled back, figuring I'd humour the inebriated, yet strangely cute, young artist. He then held up his beer to me, asking if I'd like to come up and have a drink with him.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: I think the problem for us is a lifestyle difference: I had woken up at 9am and my only morning plan was to purchase a loaf of bread adorned with sunflower seeds; I'm not sure when you woke up (or even if you had gone to sleep), but what's important is that I'm not really the type of girl who drinks copious amounts of alcohol before noon (okay, that may have happened one time... but there were extenuating circumstances, and this seems to be your general pattern of behaviour). An online dating quiz once advised me, "Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs." I really do have a weakness for artists, and fully expect this vulnerability to be my downfall one day. Unsurprisingly, I've never been able to follow the advice of The Internet... until now. You deserve someone who will be cracking open those beers right alongside you, or, at least, cracking open those beers for you. I'm just not that girl. Thank you for showing me that it is possible to follow that quiz author's advice. You've given me hope.

back to the (lack of) grind... no. 5

Well, I've returned to France for another two months. Many of you requested that I continue documenting my adventures, and who am I if not a woman who aims to please?

I decided to move my 'French kissing' entries to Blogspot, giving the series its own home rather than a sleeping bag on the unvacuumed floor of my blog about the UK...

Enough introduction. Bienvenue and enjoy!


Who: Gender Not Specified
Pick-up method: Here we have another bus encounter (I really recommend public transportation, readers. Not only is it better for the environment than taking your own car, but it definitely provides some much needed levity before and after work). I sometimes see GNS during my return journey. S/he often stares at me with a slight smile, uses general eyebrow raises, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary. What makes this interesting is that I'm not sure if I'm being flirted with by a male or a female... Is he a dirty rocker type, or does she just choose not to condition? Does she have a small rack, or does he have a slight case of gynecomastia? Does his mom buy his clothing, or does her mom buy her clothing?
Why I won't be sleeping with you: Before you go accusing me of discrimination and intolerance, it's not because I'm some kind of conservative . I belong to multiple GLBT-type organisations, feel an overwhelming need to kick opponents of gay marriage in the shins, and have been known to help various friends dress in drag for reasons other than a costume party. However, while I do like surprises, as a rule I prefer to know with what equipment I'll be dealing before starting a project. It just helps create an effective and appropriate plan of action. I hope you understand that it's not you, it's me. Okay, maybe it's you a little. Perhaps try that conditioning your hair thing...?

Who: Bird Feeder
Pick-up method: I was sitting by the river doing some sketching when the BF arrived with some bread. He stood nearby quietly feeding the pigeons, and every once in a while would toss a piece of bread my way. I would look up at him confusedly, and he would smile the dearest smile I've ever seen (this prevented my confused glances from becoming angry stares and possibly uncontrollable urges to shove my pencil into his eye).
Why I won't be sleeping with you: While you did manage to soften my heart enough to protect yourself from experiencing some extreme pain (or, at least, bread being tossed back in your face), you didn't manage to instill any feelings of desire. Perhaps you were attempting to prove yourself as a good provider, thereby appealing to my unconscious search for a mate who would invest in my offspring... but I'm not sure offering me pieces of slightly stale bread (albeit French, so probably better quality than fresh bread anywhere else) is the best way to do that. Next time, try something higher quality that you don't also happen to be feeding to random birds on the sidewalk. (Afterthought: I realise these birds might be your very best friends, and giving me some of their food could potentially be an important gesture. If this is the case, I'm flattered and I thank you. But no, I still won't sleep with you. Sorry.)

four entries strong!

(Originally published 11 Mar 2007)

Still in France, still encountering sketchy men, still laughing. I did, however, have an actually scary experience last week, about which I probably won't post (please be careful out there), but here are some more amusing anecdotes to make up for it...


Who: Hit & Run
Pick-up method: As I was walking down a pedestrian path (authorised vehicles only) a truck approached. As I moved out of the way, the driver (H&R) steered his vehicle in my direction. He continued to do so no matter where I walked in order to allow him to pass. Finally, H&R pulled alongside me and smiled. Upon receiving my "Are you serious? Go away" look, he winked and drove off.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: Having been a cognitive science major when I was an undergraduate, I learned all about the psychological phenomenon of 'misattribution of arousal.' Studies that explored this showed that people were more likely to be attracted to those with whom they encounter dangerous situations. The important thing for you to remember, however, is that these dangerous situations were NOT caused by the person to whom they became attracted. Almost hitting girls with your truck is not an effective method of flattery, nor is it a safe way in which to get a phone number. I suppose you might also be thinking of all those movies in which 'boy meets girl because she's injured, boy looks after girl, girl falls for boy, some random obstacle comes in the way of boy and girl, obstacle is overcome just in time for the audience to finish their popcorn.' Again, 'boy' in these scenarios is generally not the person to have caused 'girl' pain in the first place (later emotional distress doesn't count, as that contributes to the uplifting conclusion of the film). Basically, keep your sex-drive in Neutral while your truck is in 'Drive,' okay?

Who: Croissant-bearing Casanova
Pick-up method: I saw CBC as I was walking to the bus a few mornings ago. He had recently been to the patisserie and was enjoying his breakfast on the go. When CBC saw me approach he flashed me a winning smile, violently ripped off a piece of his croissant with his teeth, then raised his eyebrows at me as French breakfast pastry hung out of his mouth.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: While animalistic tendencies are potentially fun in the bedroom, previewing your wild nature to a complete stranger at 8:15am using a flaky, fattening, hand-held breakfast food (read: NOT sexy) as a model is not the best way to earn the opportunity to exhibit your special skills in a real-life situation involving adult-type relations. You stimulated nothing in me aside from my upchuck reflex, which is probably not the reaction you were going for. I'd advise you to not use this approach in the future if you ever want to know the love of a woman.

part the third... now in Spanish!

(Originally published 28 Feb 2007)

I'm sorry it's been two weeks since I've posted. But never fear, Current Status of Male Population: Still Skeezy. I have a few pages of my notebook filled with hilarious stories that I just can't wait to share in the next few installments.

This entry will obviously not be written in Spanish. But it will deal with a couple choice incidents during my mini-vacation weekend in Madrid.

Aqui los tienen...

Who: Spanish furry
Pick-up method: SF is a short, Spanish man who uses a Mickey Mouse costume and balloon animal "skills" to talk to fine ladies. He called to us as we entered El Parque del Buen Retiro. I immediately thought "Amazing! Guy in a costume- hilarious. I am so going to take a picture with him!" and went over. He was very touchy, told me I was pretty, asked all the usual get-to-know-you questions, etc etc. SF wasn't too happy when I left him, and definitely wasn't happy about the fact that my friends wouldn't go within 5 meters of him.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: We'll leave your height out of this because that's just too easy. We'll also forget about the fact that your need to wear a mask makes me wonder what your real face looks like. Moving on... While kinky can be fun, I've never been into the whole furvert movement. I have no desire to dress in some random animal costume in order to hook up with someone also dressed as such. Not only would this be disturbing, I imagine it would be quite uncomfortable. Those suits don't generally have very good ventilation. Further, I have a sneaking suspicion that your phallic balloon animals are compensating for something. And while a random hook-up in Spain could provide a fun story, if you have no ability to make me call you "papi," then the story just wouldn't be as good.

Who: Smiling Sweetness
Pick-up method: Here we have another "Little boy flirts with me" situation. SS was about two years old and was sitting with his family at the table next to me. Everytime I looked over he was staring at me with the biggest, most adorable smile on his face. SS would then laugh and turn to his dad, who commented about how his son was learning early. (I'm father-approved? Yes!)
Why I won't be sleeping with you: Please refer to the reasons stated in the report on ALFB. Additionally, however, let me state that I have unfortunately had more than my fair share of immature guys... and they are in their twenties! And while dating even younger might at first seem like "a plan so crazy it just might work," upon further thought I really think that, as a two year old, a relationship with you would be quite one-sided. It would be all about your needs. "I need a snack!" "I need a nap!" "I want to cuddle!" "me me me me me!" And while I respect that this is just where you are at this point in your life, I'm looking for something a bit more give-and-take. I'm sorry, I just can't be the person you need.


Pues, those are the most salient memories. Of course there were many more 'minor' attempts, but I won't dignify those men with mention in my blog. But let me just say, "Do you speak ____?" is NOT a suitable pick-up line. Be more creative. Thanks.

part deux

(Originally published 14 Feb 2007)

Let's all take a moment to appreciate the fact I got to say "deux" and it was actually relevant on a language level. So cute.

Right, well I told you all I was planning on writing the second edition of "French kissing" on Wednesday without realising that the Wednesday in question was indeed The Day of Valentine. Being single for various reasons you might suspect I'd be completely ignoring the holiday, or throwing some tantrum about the commercialization of love, or just climbing into a bitter hole of despair.

Oh no, dear reader. I will not succumb to such a fate. But on this day of relationship-appreciation I will obviously not focus on the already-established relationship. Instead, I will continue my quest to describe all attempts at gaining access to my loins. Enjoy.


Who: Public Transport (aka my bus driver)
Pick-up method: Last time I was in France, I took the same bus each morning at 8:20am to the almost-end of the line. PT would often smile, wink, and say goodbye to me. Mildly flirtatious, but nothing to blog about. Then, after over a month of unannounced absence, I returned. PT asked where I'd been, told me he'd been looking for me, and not only noticed, but also complimented, my new hair.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: Although you're very nice (you DID tell me that you liked my hair), you are at least twenty years my senior... not really into older men. More importantly, however, the friends you have that seem to ride the bus just to stand at the front to talk to you (and look at me strangely) really sketch me out. Who are these people, and why don't they have lives? If we slept together, they'd know. As a result, my bus ride would be quite awkward, turning my peaceful 25 minutes before work each morning into a time of annoyance. So, unless you can reimburse me for my bus pass, I don't really see the point.

Who: Sketchy Sketch Admirer
Pick-up method: SSA approached me this past Friday as I was sitting on top of a wall sketching some cute Alsatian buildings. He first commented on how my feet must be cold (I wasn't wearing shoes), then asked to see my drawing and told me I was talented. I thanked him and did my best to keep working while he lurked. He kept smiling at me, then walked away. Ten minutes later SSA returned, but only smiled at me creepily as he slowly passed.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: However misguided your eye for creativity and skill may be (I suspect it's driven by your sex drive rather than actual experience with art), you DID appreciate my sketch. Unfortunately for you, we again have the whole "I am not into older men" factor here, which, when combined with your poor hygeine, is a definite "no." Not only was your smile "creepy," but it was dirty... just being smiled at by you made me feel the need to shower. I don't even want to think about having to actually touch you.

Who: The Jack Hammer
Pick-up method: The JH is a French construction worker who is currently employed doing refurbishment on a large plaza I cut through to get to the bus. A couple days ago, JH was taking a cigarette break as I approached. He winked, said "bonjour," asked where I was going... basically all the usual construction worker tactics.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: It was a typical construction worker -type pick-up attempt, I should say, minus the you-being-attractive part (although perhaps the attractiveness factor is only in movies and/or my dreams... hmm). Your assertiveness was admirable and not exactly threatening, as some other, more extreme, construction workers can be. But what it comes down to is that I was too skeptical about the quality of your... erm... 'tool belt' to want to miss my bus in order to chat up and get down. C'est la vie.

Okay, I think I'll stop there for now. Happy Valentine's Day... and be safe out there. I will take this opportunity to remind you of the British safer sex ads I thought up last year:
Don't be a git, cover your kit.
If you sleep with a minger, protect your stinger.
She could be fit, but she might have some shit.
Cover your log, or stop with a snog.

A bientot...

French Kissing

(The very first post. 6 Feb 2007)

Many of you have commented on the general hilarity of my life when it comes to the opposite sex. This trend continues even though I find myself in a country where I know how to say "confrontation," "stabbed," and "Welcome to the beach," but not "No, I would not like to have random, unprotected sex with you, but thank you for asking." As I am a giver, I've decided to post a series called "French kissing," of which this will be the first entry. The purpose of this mini-series is to document the many entertaining pick-up methods I experience first-hand while on the Continent. Each "attempt" will be logged in the following format:

Who: Nickname or description of the Subject
Pick-up method: Here I will describe how the Subject attempted to touch me, chat me up, take me home, or merely make an impression.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: Here I will list the many reasons the Subject failed.

This is in no way meant to convey a message such as, "Look at me, I'm so great, everyone tries to hit on me!" This will become apparent as you discover the caliber of the people who try to get in my bed (should that be their location of choice). I just think that while we all focus on the comedy of errors that is dating (and believe me, I've had my fair share... and probably your fair share as well), many times the absolute amusment of a horrible pick-up attempt merely gets passing attention during a quick laugh over lunch. This needs to be remedied.


Here we go:

Who: Round-headed Persistence
Pick-up Method: RHP approached me one evening before Christmas as I was heading home. He was walking behind me, caught up, and then began walking beside me. I gave him my best "Don't you dare talk to me, you freak" look, which usually serves me well. But he kept on. He asked me, in French, where I was going. I told him I didn't speak French, hoping my tone of voice and rejection of his language would make him move on to another. No such luck. He proceeded, in broken English, to ask where I lived. I refused to tell him. He asked if I would like to go home with him. I said no. He asked if he could come to my home. I said no. He asked if he could merely walk me home. I said no. He asked if he could come to my home, again. I said no. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: Aside from the obvious creepiness of you lurking on the street and following me... you aimed too high. I just met you, for Zeus' sake! Invite me for a drink or something. Feign normalcy. At least attempt to make an honest woman of me. Although if you HAD asked something less than your proposed slumber party, I would have said 'no' anyway, given aforementioned creepy factor. So I guess it doesn't matter. Well done.

Who: Adorable Little French Boy
Pick-up Method: ALFB smiled and waved at me as he was walking home from school while I was standing at the bus stop. As he walked away, he frequently looked back and smiled at me. He then waved at me as he turned the corner. So cute.
Why I won't be sleeping with you: While I am flattered you have a crush on me, I am concerned what society would say about our love. Don't get me wrong... you're cute, you're sweet, and you're educated (as evidenced by your school books). These are all things I look for in a man. Keyword here is "man." I'm sorry, but you just haven't gone through puberty yet... and that's not working for me. However, in 15 years if you find yourself into older women, call me. You'll probably be hot... AND French.

Who: The Enthusiastic Staring Wonder
Pick-up Method: The ESW was across a narrow street from me as I was waiting at the bus stop. As he approached he grinned at me... His grin grew as he got closer, and he began repeatedly raising his eyebrows. As he walked past he stared at me with a gigantic smile on his face. Since he was looking at me, and not where he was going, he nearly killed an old lady by almost walking straight into her (good thing she had superb reflexes in her old age).
Why I won't be sleeping with you: Firstly, you never attempted contact. You can't hit a homerun if you stand NEAR the plate but not in the batter's box. I am sure you think you have a huge penis, but I guarantee you that it wouldn't reach across the street. More importantly, however, I don't fancy sleeping with someone who could have been charged with attempted murder. Learn to walk. Oh, also... you had an ugly smile.


Right, that's all for now. I hope you're all as excited for the next attempts as I am! I'm about to go to the grocery store... and who knows what will be waiting for me in the produce section...